Life With Adhesions

A little blog to help people understand what it is like to live with adhesions!

The Path to the New Me!

This journey that I’m on is a winding, bumpy road.  I thought I would share some insight into what it’s like to live my life NOW with these darn adhesions. This new “sick” me takes some getting used to.  I am not the same person I was a year ago,  or 2 years ago.  I can vaguely remember a time when I would work an entire day, get groceries on the way home, make supper and head out to my 3 hour night class. Those days are LONG gone.  This new me has trouble getting out of bed, showering, getting dressed and on a good day, maybe doing ONE of the above mentioned tasks.  And yet, I still think like I’m a super-woman and wish I could do all of those things.  It’s sad when you WISH you could go for groceries.  It’s the little things like this that sometimes get me down.

My days now consist of doing the least amount possible so that I don’t end up sick and in more pain.  And yet, there are days when I “forget” how sick I am and “pretend” that I’m a normal human being again and pay for it for days later.  For example, the other day we had to take the cats to the vet.  The old me would have been able to grab both cat carriers, jump in the car, and take care of it all.  No problem!! The new me had to ask my husband to come home from work early to help. I can no longer lift my 15 pound cat because it hurts my belly and my liver.  So, he had to come home to help get him into the carrier.  I looked after the 8 pound cat instead. Then my husband had to drive us there and help with getting the cats in and out of the carriers and onto the table, etc… We had to wait for a bit for the vet and I tried to sit as much as possible.  All is good with the kitties, but man did I pay for my “pretending”. By the time we got home, I was done in and in a ton of pain.  My stomach was upset and I could hardly eat our supper and then I needed to crawl into bed for a rest right after supper.  I paid for it for the next few days hardly able to get out of bed and in a ton of pain.  So, I ask myself, was it worth it to pretend to be normal for a day? The jury is still out!

This new me has to plan her days carefully based on energy levels, pain and commitments.  I hate having to plan out my week so that I have enough energy to do things!  I have to save up enough energy throughout the day so that I can go to my night class and then I pay for it the next day.  That’s a days worth of saving and then a days worth of paying for it afterwards.  So I sometimes ask myself, “Is it worth it?”.  Usually the answer is “Yes” just to be able to have some “normal” moments again, but in the past few months I have found myself having to say “No” to things a whole lot more.  I can’t commit to people days in advance because I don’t know how much pain I’m going to be in on any given day.  This is one of the hardest parts because people don’t understand that I’m not being selfish for saying “I’ll see how I”m feeling” and I’m not being evasive, I’m just being me and telling the truth that I don’t know and I can’t commit.  It’s not that I don’t WANT to be there – on the contrary, I want to be there very much, but this new me can’t always do it.  And yet, I find that I push myself and pay for it later.

I guess this new me still doesn’t want to give up hope that the old me is still in there somewhere.  I am the first to admit that I am a bit stubborn and I that I hate to ask for help.  I am getting better, but I still sometimes push the limits of my abilities in an attempt to look “normal” to the outside world.  I am trying to get better at listening to my body, but sometimes I don’t “hear” it until it is too late.  I long for the days of not planning ahead and saving my energy for something important!

I have a lot to get used to with this new me.  I hope it’s not a permanent new me, but just a temporary loner- at least that’s what I keep hoping!!  This hope keeps me going.  I may not be jogging on this path that I am on now (okay, let’s be honest, I don’t think I’ve ever jogged anywhere), but I am walking and I will continue to walk wherever this path takes the new me.